The only thing that can make me more uncomfortable is talking to my family.
You cant be an artistic genius without being a little crazy.
I want to be like a potato useful and universally loved.
I have a great idea for a new show: its called ‘The Office.’
Live every week like its Shark Week.
The truth is, Im just a simple woman with complicated needs.
You should be more careful. This isnt ‘Free Willy,’ you know.
Im not a kid anymore; Im a woman still going through a phase.
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
The best way to keep a secret is to tell nobody.
Im not a diva; Im a woman with standards.
Sometimes I feel like a comedy goldmine and nobodys mining it.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I’d be rich and still unhappy.
You get what you get, and you dont throw a fit.
Life is just like a sitcom without the laugh track.
Im not lazy; Im just on energy-saving mode.
My hobbies include eating and complaining about being tired.
If you cant laugh at yourself, call me; Ill do it for you.
Success is just failure that didnt take a lunch break.
Why fit in when you were born to stand out?
Id like to be a fly on the wall, but I hate flies.
Im a real person with real feelings, just like my cartoon character.
Am I a hero? No, Im just a fiercely underqualified adult.
The universe has a sense of humor; its just not always funny.
Nothing says Im sophisticated like a cup of coffee in a superhero mug.
Sometimes, you just have to throw your hands up and let the drama unfold.
I’m not just a decorative lamp; I have a bright personality.
Its all fun and games until someone loses a job.
I believe in second chances, unless were talking about my ex.
Why do I feel like Im in a sitcom where Im the only audience?
Every day is a new opportunity, unless you hit snooze.
The world is my stage, and Im still missing my entrance.
Being an adult is mostly Googling how to do things.
Immortalized in memes but deeply unsettled in reality.
Why adult when you can just binge-watch life?
I cant even adult today; can I just be a ferret instead?
Sarcasm is my love language.
Creativity is intelligence having fun while ignoring reality.
In the game of life, Im definitely playing on easy mode.
Im not high maintenance; Im just worth the effort.
Every great idea starts with someone saying, ‘What if?’
I strive to be a rainbow in someones cloud.
When life gives you lemons, ask for some tequila.
Im like a fine wine; I get better with age, and then I turn to vinegar.
In the end, were all just looking for a good punchline.