When life hands you lemons, squirt them in the eyes of your enemies.
If you can’t stand the heat, go make an ice cream sundae.
A penny saved is just a government tax on your stupidity.
Don’t count your chickens before they rent the barn.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Actions speak louder than words, unless it’s karaoke night.
If at first you dont succeed, redefine success.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket…unless it’s a breakfast burrito.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too, but you can have your cake and just stare at it.
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush… unless youre a cat.
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
Good things come to those who wait… unless it’s pizza.
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless its artificial turf.
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth; just take it for a ride.
All that glitters is not gold; sometimes its just glitter.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but not during a pillow fight.
You miss 100% of the naps you don’t take.
If you build it, they will come unless its a sandcastle.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can teach it to play dead.
As useful as a chocolate teapot.
You catch more flies with honey, but a good flyswatter works wonders too.
A watched pot never boils… but a distracted one might explode.
If you can’t beat them, confuse them.
Too many cooks spoil the broth; tell them to just bring snacks.
Laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re allergic to it.
If you fall off a horse, get back on, but make sure its not the same horse.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
A stitch in time saves nine, unless you’re sewing poorly.
Rome wasnt built in a day, but you can definitely ruin it in one.
Its not the heat; its the stupidity of forgetting your sunscreen.
If you want something done right, do it yourself unless its assembling furniture.
You can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter.
Every cloud has a silver lining, unless youre in a thunderstorm.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but the quiet one often gets ignored.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it might be a turkey in disguise.
Two heads are better than one, unless they cant agree on pizza toppings.
A rolling stone gathers no moss, but it might gather some interesting stories.
Dont bite the hand that feeds you; just nibble a little.
Money cant buy happiness, but it can buy tacos, and thats basically the same thing.
If it aint broke, it probably just needs a little tweaking.
To err is human; to blame it on someone else is management.